The very human struggle of making tough choices
Lying awake night after night, how do you keep your thoughts under control?
How can it only be 3 am?
Everything feels impossible.
Overwhelming.
Exhausting.
You’re wide awake and your heart’s beating too fast.
What’s wrong with you? Why can’t you make a simple decision?
Welcome to being human.
Making good decisions is hard, particularly when you’re on your own.
In my last post I looked at what to do when you don’t know what to do next.
This time I want to explore why making these choices on your own is so hard.
1. Too much choice can be overwhelming
Too many options and no deadline can make your mind spin and freeze.
Your greatest enemy - doing nothing - feels like your best friend.
Doing nothing means tomorrow will be just like today.
And today was ok.
Sort of.
It can be tempting to just do what other people want you to do.
Then they’re happy, and the conversation and the pressure stop.
Even if you know it’s the wrong decision for you.
You’re too tired to go through all that again - you’ll fix it in a couple of years when things are easier.
2. We don’t ask ourselves the hard questions
We all get stuck in repeating loops, going over the same ground again and again.
Our minds become an echo chamber.
Sometimes we don’t ask ourselves the hard questions because the answers feel overwhelming.
We pretend we don’t know what the hard questions are.
Sometimes we don’t even know what the hard questions are because of our blind spots.
3. We lose perspective and confidence
The longer a problem stays in your head the bigger it grows.
After a while you can no longer see its edges.
Something has to change for the next steps to become clear.
I had a brilliant example of this about 10 years ago:
Having pushed really hard to be allowed to write a brand new 2 year GCSE-equivalent course for a UK school, and been given permission - I realised I had no idea how to do it.
I was completely stuck - and I couldn’t admit it.
Very luckily the school was paying for me to go to a conference in the US.
I hoped the change of scene might help.
In fact, the minute we went wheels-up at Heathrow the blindingly obvious answer dropped into my head.
By the time we got to JFK I had a complete plan on paper.
Once I was away from work, knowing nobody would be asking for updates for a whole week, I relaxed.
My confidence came back.
Sadly this isn’t the most practical solution - although I have found trains can be very useful too!
4. Everyone else’s opinions add to the confusion
With the best will in the world, friends and family bring their own experiences, anxieties and expectations.
Without meaning to, they can add pressure and increase your uncertainty.
The last thing you want is to strain your most important relationships just at the time you need those people the most.
How writing can help
Getting your thoughts and ideas down on paper creates space and perspective.
It can help you switch off for the night, knowing your thoughts will still be there in the morning
I’ve written about this a lot and I see its positive effects with my clients all the time.
But if you’re running old software – if your thoughts are stuck in the same old patterns – it will be hard for you to shift your thinking with writing alone.
What changes when you find the right thinking partner
Here’s an example:
I worked with a young woman who was overwhelmed by anxiety about money.
She’d stopped enjoying university because she was so worried about falling into debt and costing her parents too much.
She was barely sleeping.
She was in her final year.
A Masters felt impossibly expensive but she had no idea what jobs she could do.
As she spoke about her situation, and I listened, she slowed down.
Lots of silence.
Finally she said:
“That’s not me.
That’s my mum.”
She realised that she’d taken on her mother’s anxiety.
She could understand why her mother felt the way she did – but she didn’t share those feelings.
Money just wasn’t something that felt important to her.
After that, her decision about what to do next became much easier.
What to do next:
Acknowledge the overwhelm: If too many options and too much external pressure are leaving you frozen, something needs change.
Filter out other people's voices: Ask yourself if your current anxieties belong to you, or if you’ve unconsciously taken them on from family, friends, or external 'shoulds'.
Change your environment: Step away from the daily routine, whether that's a train journey or a walk, a visit to a new cafe or a trip to the movies.
Take your notebook!Find a thinking partner: Ask someone you trust to listen for ten minutes without interrupting or giving advice.
You don’t have to navigate these difficult choices on your own. If you are an adult feeling stuck or a young person trying to figure out your future, I can help:
The Missing Subject for young people navigating university, careers and big early-life transitions.
The Shortest Path for adults who want to break out of old patterns, rediscover what they care about, and make confident life decisions.
I’m Annabel Smith, an experienced personal decision coach based in the UK helping adults and young people understand themselves before making high-stakes choices and decisions.
Book an introductory call.
